I missed Papa the most yesterday. I don’t always think of him, I confess. I think I’ve compartmentalized a big chunk of that reality to cope… so most of the time I forget about him and then surges of memories come at different times of the day, especially when I’m driving or when I pass by his office. When this happens I feel a deep hurt in my chest and I cannot breathe. Then I remember he’s gone and I’ll feel tears run down my cheeks, and I’ll wipe it right away. Sometimes I even find myself shaking my head, like when you’re trying to get rid of a bad thought. I don’t like being sad. I know my being sad won’t really bring my Papa back, so I don’t want to remember him that way.
But yesterday was just more difficult than other days. Yesterday was just so hard and I miss him so much. I don’t know. Maybe last year was different because it was all too fresh and the emotion was strong enough to numb you. Now the sadness is no longer overcoming, but it creeps–and when it does, it’s capable of disabling you. It is felt much more because life is seemingly okay. You think you’ve already moved on from that but no, not quite.
This is the second Christmas without Papa and there will be more in the future. More Christmases, more birthdays… it’s never going to change. You just have to keep on, keeping on. I have a headache from crying last night. But also my tummy is full of noche buena goodness. We didn’t have queso de bola, Papa wouldn’t like that. But it’s okay, he’s not here to get upset. Anyway I’m sorry for this sad note. I’m not really sad… I just realized how much I miss my dad.