During Papa’s wake I had a momentary lapse while I was talking to one of my girl friends:
Friend: I think your dad knew my husband’s dad, he was a military doctor. I think they were assigned here in Villamor around the same time.
Crix: Maybe. Maybe they were here together and knew each other. What’s his name?
Friend: Dr. ________________
Crix: Ahhhh, okay I got it.
And within seconds I slapped her hard on the shoulder. I slapped her so hard because after she gave me the name, I made a mental note to ask my Papa, and then realized that I couldn’t do that anymore. Papa is gone so he could never answer my question. For a moment there, I immediately jumped to a familiar practice and forgot that he is gone. Papa is gone… and there is no remedy to that.
It’s been a month now. Last Sunday we visited Papa and we ate cheese and crackers. We have all been back to work and have resumed all our daily routines inside and outside the house. We have no choice… life goes on for the living, so we wake in the morning go on with our days and then end the day to sleep (and wait for another morning). We force ourselves to go back to our routines because we have to. But sometimes I get moments when I expect Papa to be there (and he’s not).
I guess it will be like this for a while. It is hardest for my mom because she was with Papa everyday and now she’s alone. Anyway, the other day she started singing: “Twerk it like Buddy” and we all burst into laughter: “Mom who is Buddy?”. She laughed, too, after realizing she had the wrong lyrics and said: “That’s how your Papa and I sang it” and she continued to sing. We really miss him. We sing his songs and use his famous phrases–it’s often funny and it makes us smile to be reminded of him. But sometimes it makes us sad. It makes us sad that we no longer enjoy meals with him. It makes us sad that his office feels empty without him. It makes us sad that he’s gone.
I really don’t know what to make of what I am feeling right now. In general I am doing fine, but most of the time I feel very confused. One time I was supposed to text a friend who has lost a parent too, so I could ask him if he felt/feels the same way, but I deleted the message because I was afraid I might resurrect buried emotions. Most of the time I am okay. I go on with my day, like I’m supposed to, but then I wonder if that’s normal that I am okay. Should I be sadder? Should I look for him more? Should I cry more tears, because I don’t? They say people handle grief differently… but is there an abnormal or a normal way to go through this?
What I know is that there is an alien feeling inside me and I feel that I will never ever get used to it. Maybe eventually… I don’t really know.